Understanding the Shame and its Implications

 Part I - The Definition and Types

What is shame? Shame is a kind of unpleasant feeling of guilt. When do we get that feeling? This feeling arises when we do something that's morally wrong and when we do something that's socially uncommon.

From whom do we feel shame? We feel shame to people who we admire, those who admire us, those whose opinion matter to us, those whom we see equal or higher than us. We usually don't feel shame to those who are inferior to us such as beggars, infants or animals especially in doing something that's socially unacceptable or uncommon.

For example, there's this employee of a company doesn't feel shameful to use abusive language if the company's peon is around but he will feel shameful to abuse if his boss is around. For he admires the position of boss, and he considers his opinion as worthy, and he may get benefits from the boss in the long run. On the other hand, a peon's opinion doesn't matter, neither he admire the position of the peon, nor the peon can get him any benefit, so he doesn't care about what peon would think of his abusive language. He will only feel shameful infront of peon if the peon admires him, for then he will have a pressure to appear good to the peon. Before going ahead let's break down the shame more precisely.

I've divided shame into two types.

1) Fundamental shame

2) Cultural shame

1) Fundamental shame - it is the shame that arises out of doing something which is morally wrong. This may include stealing, lying, dishonesty, debauchery, misbehaving without reason, betraying, etc.

In the first example that I gave on the top, if the employee were to value fundamental shame more than cultural shame then he would feel shameful for using the abusive language itself even if there's no one around. 

2) Cultural shame - it is the type of shame that results out of breaking some unwritten social norms or doing something in unconventional ways. When you don't do something morally wrong but you do something that is morally right but seen uncommon by the society. 

For example, a person fears to speak against something that he considers bad in the society because he is shameful of what would people say. This so famous fear of "what people will say" is actually linked to this cultural shame. Ofcourse people can't harm you physically, it's only their words and their thinking that you fear. Why? Because of this concept of shame.

You feel shameful to do something new because if it doesn't work then what would people say. This shame aggrevates further if the act is to be done infront of people who you admire. You feel more shameful to act in against the conformity when the people who you admire are the part of the conformity group. 

For example, a person does his prayer regularly. One day he goes on a picnic with his colleagues and his boss who don't pray. The person may feel uncomfortable to offer the prayer infront of them. He may think that what would their colleagues or boss would think about him. He may feel shameful to tell them that he's going to pray. 

To prevent from facing this shame, most people never do anything new, or they never do what they really want to do because they know that people would think about them, and they don't want to be thought of by people.

Part II - Nature of shame

The Fundamental shame is very important for the existence of humanity. But the Cultural shame is a matter of discussion. Why it is there? What are its benefits and what are its limitations, let's see.

Cultural shame is not absolute, it's not fixed. This type of shame is also important but it's not as valuable as the fundamental shame. Cultural shame is not worthier than an individual's life.

There was this pioneered psychologist Sigmund Freud who suggested that if the human beings were to put aside their shame then they can be much happier and free, and he was quite true though. But the problem with his view was that he talked about "Shame" and didn't explained what type of shame so as a result people started to do away with the Fundamental shame.

People started to accept obscenity and lewdness in the name of freedom from shame. Many people don't feel shame while lying, cheating, lusting, doing corruption and doing other morally wrongful things. But they are so shameful when it comes to cultural shame. They make sure that no one would think bad of themselves. They are so fearful of cultural shame yet totally devoid of fundamental shame.

We all know that how shameful it is considered if a girl expresses her view to choose her life partner. So shameful that people kill her and call it honor killing, that is killing in the name of protecting so called honor. However God has made each and every person free and everyone whether boy or girl has full right to choose his/her life partner. There's nothing to be shameful about it. There's nothing morally wrong in this. 

Body shaming is another example of cultural shame where people make individuals feel shameful about their body. There's nothing morally wrong in something that is not in your control. There's nothing morally wrong in having a fat body or a lean one. Obsesity is a biological problem don't make it a psychological one. 

Let me relate to you an incident that happened recently. I & my nephew Saad went to the market and it suddenly started raining. I covered my head with hoodie. Saad was wetting in the rain and the only option he had to cover his head was to put the empty shopping bag on his head that he was carrying. But there were people in the market who would obviously see the bag on the head and might even laugh. So it was a matter of shame. But what's reasonable? To protect oneself from falling ill or to protect one's so called status in the mind of people? So Saad took a reasonable move and folded the bag and put it over his head and kept walking rockingly. This is a classic example of putting aside cultural shame.

The problem is that some people are at one extreme that they leave all the shame while some are on the other extreme clinging to shame even when it's not required.

So what's the balanced way and how to actually manage the shameful emotions. We'll see in the next and final part. 

Part III - The balanced way

So far in the discussion, it's evident that shame is good but also bad. In what things feeling shameful is good and in what things the feeling of shame should be ignored? In my opinion, we must hold fast to the fundamental shame, this is a gift from God, it is shame that make us distinct from the animal. And as far as the Cultural shame is concerned, so yes as long as we genuinely agree on a particular unwritten social norm then we should abide them. 

But if we think something better can be done then we must not feel shameful to present our view to the people and we must not be a passive member of conformity group just for the sake of maintaining our status in people's eyes. There's no shame in doing what you think is better and reasonable. Similarly there's also no shame in conforming to the already existed viewpoint if it is reasonable and makes sense. 

We should put the 'reason' on the top most priority in every condition. While deciding about anything we must think what's more reasonable and sensible instead of thinking what's more acceptable. 

The point is, this life is the single opportunity that you have to build your eternal life and it is solely your responsibility to spend it as you wish. Do not make this cultural shame so grand that you forget to live your own life. As long as you're not doing something that's morally wrong then be free and care less about cultural shame or else it will eat up your life. 

For the world is full of people who have caged themselves because of fear of people. This fear is so great that they cannot fulfill what's due on them by God because that might result in accepting the shame from the society. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to help his wives in household chores. But people don't do that today. They think it a shameful act to do so. From where this shame is arising?

Stop being shameful for what's right and start being shameful for what's wrong. If somehow we are able to correct this concept of shame then imagine how much good can be done.

Many people say that don't feel guilty for something bad you did. But I say feel guilty for something bad you did. Guilt is a believer's ally, just a pain receptors protect the body from burning similarly guilt protect the soul from annihilation. Yes, but before feeling guilty first know that whether what you did was really bad or that was just a divergence from societal norms. Don't feel bad for the latter. Otherwise you'll loose your freedom very subtly. Sometimes, it's good to do some crazy stuff, unpredictable, unexpected, to keep your uniqueness alive or else it will be lost somewhere in the crowd.